i was going to say today but i guess i should say yesterday…my day did not start off well and for no particular reason (see previous blog Missy McMoody) then I found out that my younger cousin who was in a Pageant Monday – did not win Queen but she received 1st Runner Up. I guess she was expected to win and everyone was pretty much blown out of the water by her 1st Runner Up placement. Disappointments in life being something I am extremely familiar with – I sat down and wrote her an email – being the “wise” older cousin that I am. My advice to her was based on my past…
Bits and pieces of the email and my ULTIMATE WISDOM were this:
“…but trust me God only gives you what you can handle and this one I know you can handle and be the Queen that you are! Just be you and show them that you are deserving and the amazing person you are!”
“Disappointments like this in life are going to happen often – trust me. I feel like ever since I turned 18, everytime I turn around there is another disappointment sitting on my doorstep. You just have to pick yourself up and carry on – learn from it, add it to your character, be a better person and become stronger. And never let these disappointments keep you from moving forward and striving for more.”
“I am only here living in NYC working as an attorney because I pushed through the disappointments. I worked my ass off to find the drive, the money, the will or whatever it was to get what I needed or wanted. I could list all the things in life that killed me and never made me want to get back up again, but that would bore you!”
“anyways – i just wanted to tell you that i am proud of you – it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and do things like the pageant – and you never know until you try. For some reason, winning Queen was not in God’s plan for you this year…and maybe i sound like grandma – but god always has a plan for you and sometimes you need to do a little soul searching to figure out what it is and why these things happen the way they happen. life is a journey and it is not always full of good times and laughs and these bumps and disappointments are what make you who you are – you just have to choose what you are going to do with them and how you can learn from them.”
So I stumble on thru my miserable day, knowing my poor cousin is having a bad day too – although for completely different reasons.
Then I get a phone call telling me that Robert Gonzalez died of a heart attack at age 21 in the break room at the Home Depot Last nite (meaning monday nite). It was odd because last nite and this morning I knew something was off kilter in this world – but I could never pin point what it was – there was something deep that was depressing me and gnawing at me…now I know….
Robert was one of my cashiers, he was one of my favorite cashiers! From the moment I transferred to the store he was one of the only people that was nice to me and continued to be nice to me. He used to ride the 4 train home with me at nite after work and make sure I was safe and always made me listen to his crazy music and share his headphones with him (Go Get Your Wet Wipes!). I loved working with him. He actually just called me last week to check in on me and see how I was doing make sure I wasnt burning myself out with my lawyer job because I have not worked for home depot for 3 weeks now I think. He will be greatly missed and he was an amazing human being – he always put a smile on my face.
He was one of my friends, he was a co-worker, he was a myspace friend, and he was always calling to check up on me or make sure Yaindy and I got home safely on the 4 train. He was an amazing human being and his soul is up there with the Angels.
As my day went on – I sat at my desk, sat on the train home, sat on my front stoop talking to Yaindy grieving for the loss of such a YOUNG and GREAT Soul. As I am laying here sleepless in my bed knowing I need to get up in 4 hours – I am still grieving. But I am laying here thinking about life, love, loss, family, friends, appreciating everyone and everything around – feeling completely opposite, but yet somehow totally in tune, with how i was feeling early this morning – life is short. I should not dwell on things, i should appreciate and love everyone around me – i should cut things out that are bad for me BUT embrace all the good (keep all those good pieces to my puzzle and appreciate them). I should never forsake anyone important to me and I should always let them know i care and i love them.
Robert’s phone call to me only days ago hits home hard with me – it is something i do all the time – i didnt have time to talk to him. It was the middle of my work day and I was at the deli grabbing lunch with Michele – I chatted with him for maybe 2-3 minutes and then told him I had to go and I would catch up with him soon and we would go grab that drink I have been promising him for months.
But did I call him back? NO of course not – I never call anyone back and I am usually very blazee about it all!
I know I cant beat myself up over it and that it wouldnt have changed anything…but I can change the future and how I treat those I care about. And this is the part where I tell you that I need to follow my own advice…
“trust me God only gives you what you can handle”
“but god always has a plan for you and sometimes you need to do a little soul searching to figure out what it is and why these things happen the way they happen. life is a journey and it is not always full of good times and laughs and these bumps and disappointments are what make you who you are – you just have to choose what you are going to do with them and how you can learn from them.”
God had a plan for Robert on this earth and his purpose was served – God had a plan for Robert to be part of my life and everyone’s life that he touched. Robert was taken from this earth way to soon – but he was full of life, love and energy.
I have learned from him and my own advice that I have to grow from his death and be a stronger person and a BETTER person, friend and family member.
You never ever know when you are going to lose someone – life is fragile…
RIP Robert – i already miss you more than you will ever know….