Lately, I’ve become a bit of an insomniac. Too much on my mind? who knows? not enough booze before bed? who knows? sleep patterns off? who knows?
But I’ve noticed the last 3 or so weeks I have been extremely restless, extreme UPS and DOWNS. Panic Attacks in subways! Some Kar at her worst. Not able to sleep at nites but sleeping until noon (thank god my job allows).
But something hit me tonite. I am restless. I feel trapped. I’ve been in NYC over a year and a half. BINGO. restless karin.
See, I am not quite sure why it is, I have a slight theory but it could be way off base but when I was young we moved a lot, I felt uprooted a lot. Its hard for me to call a place home. Webster City? well that is where i went to junior high and high school. Grimes? my whole elementary school. Illinois? where I was born and lived in several cities and homes. Cedar Rapids? where my parents moved when I was a sophmore in college and still reside. Massachusetts? where i spent another 4 years of my life. Now NYC? my current home.
See I don’t know what home is. Home to me, I guess has always meant mom and dad. But I have no central base, I have no childhood home. Even in Webster City we lived in 3 different houses.
Anyways my point – restless. I need change. I can’t seem to stay in one place for too long unless something is holding me there. Sycamore/Dekalb – where i was born lived until 1ish. All over Danville and surrounding towns until 5ish. Grimes, IA from 5ish till beginning of 4th grade. Webster City 4th grade till sophmore year of college. Parents then move to Cedar Rapids. 1st two years of college Buena Vista, Storm Lake, IA. Summers in New Hampshire. Last 2 1/2 years of college Cedar Falls, IA. 6 months Cedar Rapids with the parents. 3+ years Springfield, MA for Lawschool. 6 months Europe – Salzburg, Austria and Den Haag, the Netherlands. 5 months – Sacramento, CA. 9 months – Attleboro, MA w/ my bro and his wife. 9 months – Bronx, NY. And now almost a year NYC, NY.
See I am all over the chart. and in this its not just moving around. its jobs, friendships, degrees – never being satisfied, never being happy, always wanting more.
and here I am – feeling trapped. stuck. the past week i keep thinking – is it time for me to leave NYC?
yes i have a fabulous paying job – but its a dead end job. and my fabulous paying job can barely keep me paying rent, bills and a NYC lifestyle.
Why am I here? but where would i go next. what is keeping me here? my best friends are not here, my family is not here.
there is one thing that keeps me happy and makes me not want to leave. he knows who he is. he is my best friend here and i would have no clue what i would do without him. he keeps me grounded.
but it scares me – is this me? miss i can’t stay in one place for too long? miss i gotta keep movin? miss i can’t commit to nothing or anybody?
somethings happened a year ago. somethings i dont even know if i have fully dealt w/ them. but maybe thats whats wrong with me. i don’t know.
i shouldnt be unhappy. i make fabulous money and even though my job is dead end it is pretty damn cushy. i do have best friends just not rt next to me (except for him). I have him and he makes me happy. so why am i itching for something new? a new place to be. at first i thought it was the strong need for a vacation but maybe its not….
i don’t know. all i know is that this isnt the first time in my life i have felt this. i apparently thrive on change of scenery. or maybe its when things are ok and seem to be good, i feel the need to run and i make myself unhappy. i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my thoughts are all over the place.