well, wow. its been a long ass time and everyone that used to read this probably doesn’t anymore. but after a long sabbatical. i am here trying to get back to karin. trying to get back to me. last time i wrote i was getting a puppy. She is now 8 months old as of this past Saturday. She is absolutely amazing and beautiful. For a woman that does not want children, she is pretty much all i could ask for. She is totally a mini Karin. She doesn’t get up until I get up. And some days I have to pry her out of bed and she gives me that grumpy look that I am sure I gave my mom a million times. She has attitude and is a BRAT. She is totally my puppy. Its amazing. Every other dog I have had has been a family dog. Adalyn, Addy, is completely my responsibility and she is so much like me. kinda scary.
anyways. i’m still at the same job. doing the same stuff. a lot less people work there now, i am one of the lucky ones that got kept on (Or maybe unlucky who knows). i am never happy being there, the money is good, not enough sometimes but better than i will get anywhere else. but its not what i went to school for…. i long to leave to go do what i really want. but the money keeps me, nyc keeps me….
i long to leave some days, to pack it all in and move to a beach town in florida. crap i can pass the bar there, right? i love the city, i love the buzz. but when you only got enough money to pay what is necessary, how fun is the city? really? its not. how fun is the city when you have a mouse infestation? its not. living here is fabulous. but then again not. i pay WAY too much rent for a tiny apt, and my roommate and i probably are not going to find much better…. as we are noticing… even if we moved out of manhattan to brooklyn or long island city.
i find myself single yet again. i truly believed (maybe somewhat do still believe) i had found the love of my life. but we are not together and i recently told him we can not even be friends. after over a year plus, i’m letting him go.
life in nyc is scary right now. and i am not sure i want to stay. just last nitei had this odd dream that my mom and dad surprised me that they got this loan to build me a home but it had to be in Po-dunk somewhere. I do believe iowa. and the terms of the loan agreement were that i had to leave nyc by the the time the house was built. in my dream i was trying to find every loop clause in that contract so i could stay and work in nyc but yet have my dream home in Po-dunk. at the end of my dream, my whole entire family on my moms side were at a dinner table and i was crying because i could not find a way out of not having to move to Po-dunk and give up my love, my life, and nyc. it was so weird. i have an attachment to this place, i’m sure i am not ready to leave. but there are so manythings that just make me want to leave.
i want to get away from this heartache.
i do not wan to to pay the ridiculous prices to live here anymore – we are not just talking rent. groceries, necessities, etc. example – to get addy fixed here $450, to get addy fixed in iowa $100; to send addy to training classes here $350 for 6 sessions, my brother pays at least $200 less than that for many more sessions for their dogs in MA. I pay AS MUCH a month to send my puppy to doggie daycare (equivalent to a dogwalker coming in 2 times/day which is needed in manhattan) as my coworker does a month to send her middle school aged son to private school.
i dont have much holding me here. i just dont know where to go. since i lost the love of my life, i’ve kinda given up on this place. i have a new love of my life, addy. but she is not him.
i really need a change. but i’m licensed in ny and ct and i would have to go take the bar again any place i would want to move and i swore i would never do that. i need some change, i just don’t know what it will be. i promised myself yesterday as i sat at the dog park on the east river of manhattan with the wind blowing thru my hair in 95 degree weather and addy dunking her whole body in the community water bowl, THAT I WAS GOING TO TURN A LEAF OVER.
that i needed to change a lot of things in my life and slowly but surely, i’m going to. i may not be ready to leave nyc, i may not be able to afford to stay here, i may not be completely ready to let him go. but I’ve been in a comfort zone again… and its time to start making things happen for me. no more complacency. i got to continue to move forward.
WATCH OUT WORLD, HERE I COME (with puppy in tow!)……….