So last night Charlie and I get home from the gym – yes we even workout now together, isn’t it cute? Me and my non-husband roommate bench pressing weights together? rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr – anyways… I am cleaning up Addy’s peepee pads (because she simply refused to go potty yesterday morning when I walked her before work) and Charlie is in our kitchen/living room/front entry/tiniest combo room ever and exclaims “WHAT IS THAT?????”
I walk over, look at whats on the kitchen counter and simply and dryly with no inflection in my voice say “Mouse Turds.”
Like I was almost expecting it – knew it would come soon or later… AND we have not yet been in the new apartment a month. (don’t get me started on our new and lovely home….cuz this blog post would go on for dayyyyyyyyysssssssssssssss).
Then after the realization settles in I start to SPAZZZZZZ OUT! Like freak out and start gushing to Charlie about the wretched mouse problem I had with my old roommate (Pre-Charlie) in our walk-up apartment on the UES. And how I NOW have this huge fear of mouse infestations and this is why I hate old walkup apartments, and how I want to go back to luxury high rise living, and how I hate our new apartment, and how I can’t even look at mice so he will have to deal with them AND deal their turds (pause in my ranting for him to tell me he thinks glue traps are inhumane – followed by my death stare – and him giving in to my evil death stare and stating that we could have glue traps), and that we had mice everywhere, running across our beds, couches, EVERYWHERE, and we did everything possible to try to get rid of them but we couldnt and on and on and on and on. And I worked myself up into a complete tizzy.
THEN I did the dishes, then I moved any food laying out into airtight containers, then I whipped out the Clorox Cleanup (best thing ever) and cleaned EVERYTHING. AND I mean everything!!!!!!!!!!!!
So once I have satisfactorily cleaned the house with clorox cleanup I finally settled down. Had a bite to eat, showered and then crawled in bed to read myself to sleep.
THEN my right eye starts itching like a MOTHER! So I gently rub it a bit… (which I know, I know.. I had LASIK – I am not supposed to RUB my eye! I KNOW!)
Then it starts to HURT and then it feels like its going to explode!!! So I go look in the mirror and it was like the white part of my actual eyeball was swollen and MOVING. LITERALLY WAS MOVING when I moved my eye.. would like MOVE over on top of my colored part of my eye. SO HERE I had freak out #2 of the night. And started violently texting my ex (who is an ophthomologist). At this point (me being a slight hypochondriac) I am spazzing at my him via text.
“omg my eye is broken”
“omg my eye is going to explode”
“omg I am going to go blind”
“omg my eyeball is going to fall out”
“help! Please! Emergency!”
“the outer layer on my eyeball bunches up! Its disgusting and weird!!”
“my eyeball is BROKEN!!”
“I’m scared!! Its scaring me!!”
“broken” “broken” “eyeball” “broken” “broken” “broken” “Broken!!!!”
My poor ex (mind you its midnightish):
“is your vision blurry?”
“rinse it out and put a cold compress on it”
“benedryl. Alloway drops”
“is your cornea puffy?”
Me: “what part is the cornea??? White part or color part??? White part is puffy!!!”
“omg my eyeball is broken and gonna fall out”
And at this point I had gotten Charlie out of bed so he could see that my eyelid had now puffed up to the size of a golfball and I could barely even open it!! He was laughing hysterically at me!! Not Nice!!
Finally Charlie gets my scooby doo ice pack out – cuz its the best thing everrrrrrr – and I put it on my eye and the swelling starts to go down..
My final conclusion before I passed out into a benedryl induced coma on why my eyeball puffed up to the size of a golfball was “Maybe its alcohol withdrawals.” (since I have now not drank in 13 days).
sooooo today it hit me… That although I had showered after maybe just maybe I still had some clorox cleanup on my fingers I used to rub my eye… And that cause it to wig out, fall out and explode.
Bet you thought from the title I got mouse turds in my eye (I didn’t touch those fuckers) but I may as well have got mouse turds in my eye.
And today my eye is still wonky. I looked like cyclops for awhile…or Sloth from Goonies.
I was really wishing I was still on my last trial so I could have asked the witness that was the self-proclaimed drunken pirate for his eye patch.
And crap I just missed my subway stop writing this blog. Hate you all!!!! (meaning hate all the mieces to pieces) And I have to pee!
PS benedryl dreams are soooo weird… I totally thought I was awake but like walking through sludge.
(PPS – the mouse incident was probably totally almost 98% my fault – because I baked cookies and left the pan on top of the oven. And then all of the sudden it was clean and I though how nice Charlie washed the pan for me – turns out FUCKING EVIL MOUSE was obviously getting up there and eating all the crumbs… little muthafucking bastard.)