Excuse me… Not Andoraphobic but Anthropophobic (what will it be tomorrow.. sigh) with my dash of MYCRANDROKINSOPAPYROPHOBIA

UPDATE:
after reading my blog post about himself Les is not Andoraphobic anymore:

les:  besides I’ve decided that I’m not Andoraphobic either. 

 les:  I’m Anthropophobic   –  fear/dislike of people or society
I hate fear.. I’m not afraid of these things.. I DISLIKE them.

 me:  what do you just read phobia websites all day???

 les:  no… I know what phobia I’m looking for and I go find it.
it’s easy-peasy

me: scared of tiny little men ripping paper? find that one!

les: this came up in the search
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Mens-Health/Small-Tears-On-My-Penis-Wont-Heal/show/182280

me: WTF
i am scared to open that at work

les: mycroandropapyrophobia

les: better yet

me: is that my fear??

les: mycrandrokensopapyrophobia
fear of little men moving paper

me: bahahahahaha

les: mycrophobia is little people
androphobia we know is men
oops that’s mycrandroKINsopapyrophobia
not KEN
Kinesophobia is movement or motion
and papyrophobia is paper
so say it with me..
MYCRANDROKINSOPAPYROPHOBIA

me: RIDONKULOUS! you should write for a phobia site.. making up new phobias

les: if they’d pay me I’d sit around make shit up all day.

les: mycrandrerotomegachirophobia
fear of sex with little men with big hands
ooooohhhh…

anyways… I am sure he will go on and on and on with phobias for the next 2 hours of his work and I will probably play into and keep giving him phobias to create. I am sure we will have a complete list of completely insane and INANE phobias by 5:30pm EST.

you. are. welcome.


The evolution of the word Amazing – in only my vocabulary (but its spreading).

I have found that the word AMAZING sometimes is just not strong enough to describe something or a situation.  So slowly I started sliding the word AMAZEBALLS into my everyday vocabulary.  (Not my work vocabulary – could you imagine me sitting down with one of the partners at my law firm saying “yea that opposition to the Sactions Motion was pretty AMAZEBALLS!” – umm no.)  I digress… so something happened yesterday that provoked me to evolve the word EVEN further and I found myself spewing out AMAZEfuckingBALLS.  

AMAZING –> AMAZEBALLS –> AMAZEfuckingBALLS

Uses of AMAZEBALLS:
Hopper: I either got bit by a spider on my forehead or I’m turning into a unicorn

me: OMG it would be AMAZEBALLS if you became a Unicorn. AMAZEBALLS.

Hopper: I’m gonna have to start using that phrase

me: AMAZEBALLS? it really is an AMAZEBALLS kinda word.
***
me: just wanted to let you know that my AMAZEBALLS evolved into AMAZEfuckingBALLS last night.

Hopper: And I’ve yet to use AMAZEBALLS in a sentence.

Hopper: And Mine would never start with the words “he had”

Use of AMAZEfuckingBALLS:
I was describing a story to someone important to me about how an EX who is married told me I am the one that got away.

Me: Great. Perfect. AMAZEfuckingBALLS. This is my fucking retarded kick ass amazing life.

Someone important to me: What does “AMAZEfuckingBALLS” mean?  That’s a great term.  How would you use it in a sentence?

Me: I hate when you avoid any topic of substance with me, it is pretty AMAZEfuckingBALLS. And you’re an ass.

on a different note: My niece, Jocie, who has only met Mr. Les once (last August at her 2nd birthday party) told my brother last night at 2am “Daddy, you know Les.” he told her yes. “Daddy, Les is Auntie Karin’s boss.” “Yeah, he is Auntie Karin’s boss and they work in NEW YORK. Say it with me daddy, NEEEWWW YORRRKK.”

Les (my gusband and best friend) is now MY BOSS according to my niece… is someone teaching her that the “man” in the relationship is “the boss”???? She is not even freaking 3 yet!!!!!!!!!

THAT is pretty AMAZEfuckingBALLS too. WTF.


My gay friend just told me he is Androphobic.. I’m CORNfused

gay friend —> les: OK.. I’m starting to find I’m not a truly a homophobe.

me: why you not homophobic? (because this is a NORMAL question you ask a GAY man???)

les: I’m Androphobic

les: dislike of MEN

me: androphobic
but you dislike gay men

les: yep.. Androphobic.. dislike/fear of men.  thus I said I don’t think i’m homophobic I think I’m androphobic.. I don’t think I like men period.

me: the end. i hate men.

Androphobia is an abnormal fear of men. The word is derived from the Greek άνδρας (andras/man) and φόβος (phobos/fear). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androphobia

(I don’t really hate men.  i LOVE men.. too much. They just drive me crazy and they are crazy.   And Les is truly a gay man with Homophobia or apparently Androphobia – but he has a boyfriend, wrap your brain around that.)

BUT PLEASE SEE HIS UPDATE –>> Les’ new phobia


This is how I cheer a friend up… And it all spirals into trash…

I tend to just say stupid shit to cheer up my friends and then our conversations just turn into twisted, sadistic hell.. basically….
 
me:  life could be worse.. your last name could be Mullett.

 les:  I could have a mullett

 me:  you could have a cock mullett
i just made that up.. i dont know what that is

 les:  who says I don’t

 me:  now.. i would want to see a pic of your cock mullet

 les:  I’d assume really long shaggy ball hair
and really short trimmed above the cock hair
or maybe the other way around… which then most penis’s would have a cock mullet
really long and shaggy pelvis hair and shaved balls.

 me:  if i wasnt at work i would google cock mullet

 les:  I have a crew cut pelvis area and shaved balls… so not a mullet.
lol

 me:  TMI. TMI.
crew cut???

 les:  haved and tidy.
and I almost spelled that tighty.
oops.

 me:  haved?
like half?
halved?

les:  erg.. yeah I cut it in half
half is really tidy and the other half is long and shaggy
or what I meant to type.. SHAVED..

 me:  we are demented
 les:  better than being stupid

 me:  my mom just asked if we could come up with a witty team name for my cousin’s team for her upcoming walk – she just got diagnosed with disease I don’t want to publicly say because I will really be a horrible person. i wrote back to my mom… really? because i am sure we would come up with something horrible like “shakes and aches”

 les:  isn’t that the crooked back?
I always get them confused

 me:   i dont know what crooked back is….
Scoliosis – crooked back disease

 les:  yeah yeah yeah.. scoliosis

 me:  i said shush girl, shut your lips, do the hellen keller and talk with your hips

 les:  it’s the Sc  that confuse me.
 
me:  mom said shakes and aches is funny but not useable. sigh

les:  Shaken Wake
oh wait.. that would only work if they were an Asian team
my bad

les: Twitch My Way?

me: see we cant do this.. we are horrible people

Public (pubic) Warning: Les and Karin – not to be trusted with your pubic hair, your life threatening disease.. or your children.


Soberly looking through a fish bowl

I turned 33 just 15 days ago…honestly.. I can not believe that I am really 33. THIRTY-FREAKING-THREE – it sounds so old. But yet – I still think (and act like) I am in my mid-20s most days. The weeks surrounding my birthday were full of drunken debauchery and random shout-outs of BIRTHDAY WEEK!

Last Saturday, I woke up to my parents arrival for a weekend visit from Rhode Island and I was in horrible shape and most likely still drunk after a 12 hour drinking binge with my co-worker “Spring Break D-Rick” (self-proclaimed named for his actions when his girlfriend goes to Milan for 2 weeks for work every few months). I also woke up to the realization that I have been on a binge of self-destructive drinking and therefore decided to “detox” myself for a week – which has now turned into sober on the wagon CoCo for god only knows how long.

Its been interesting to say the least…being the dead sober one. Attending friends birthday dinners, attending gay pride festivities with my favorite boys – all sober. Its almost like watching the world through a fish bowl but SOBER. Its a distorted view for me… I am not saying I am an alcoholic but almost everything my friends and I do involves drinking. (and I am sure my friends are thinking I am a whole hell of a lot less fun and LAME).

Charlie and I decided we must have had a freaky Friday moment (TBD who is Jamie Lee Curtiss and who is Lindsay Lohan- dear old hot messy LiLo). He has been the one out drinking crazily, drinking alone at home, popping open champagne at 1pm on Saturday afternoon. Hope my alchie self treats him well and doesn’t hurt his liver too much!!!! Drink on CoCo inside of Charlie.

But to not wake up with a hangover at all for over a week now is weird. To not waste a day away in bed because I am too sick or my heading is pounding too much is kind of nice.

However, I must say that bottle of wine in the fridge is teasing me…normally on a Sunday afternoon after sunbathing on my tar beach (aka my rooftop) I would come in and make myself some ghetto sangria (red wine, OJ, and sprite) but today I am drinking diet cherry Pepsi and unpacking the last few boxes in our new apartment.

I have no clue how much longer I will be completely on the wagon and I’ve told myself a drink here or there is fine. But NO binge drinking, no drinking at home alone, no drinking out of pure boredom.

I am trying to make my THIRTY-FREAKING-THREE year old self a healthier self…no/less drinking, back to the gym full time, and no more unhealthy relationships with men.

I am a professional adult… Its high time I act like it (well I will always act like a goofy kid) but high time I take better care of myself and my life.

Maybe looking soberly through the fishbowl will be a good thing for me… (maybe LiLo will finally get her drunky ass out of court mandated rehab)… All remains to be seen..

(I have a feeling my friends will be begging for me to drink soon because they will be bored with non-alchie CoCo!)

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.


Battle Royale: Karin v. the Front door of her Apartment Building

“I SWEAR! Its NOT ME! Its the DAMN %*^&$^&% DOOR!!!!!!!!!” – you hear me cursing with frustration to my ever so patient roommate Charlie.

We have now been in our new apartment for 3 weeks and NO MATTER what set of keys I use – I cannot get that damn front door open in the mornings after I walk Addy (I can always get it open at night when returning home from work).

Charlie keeps politely telling me he will switch keys with me because his ALWAYSSSSSS work. (please note my sarcasm dripping off the always)

Really? Really. Its NOT ME! Its the fucking DOOR!

Admittedly, I have NO patience when it comes to those kind of things. The little vestibule between the very front door and the second locked door to our building gets VERY HOT and I start sweating like a fat trucker with no AC in the middle of the desert. I mean come on, I have Already showered and gotten ready!! Now I look like a sweaty two bit tranny hooker instead of a professional attorney.

One morning poor little Addy started whining at me – I don’t know if she was whining because 1) it was so DAMN HOT 2) she was upset because I was screaming and kicking the door or 3) she just really wanted to get inside into her safe little apartment.

This door keeps making me late to work… I am out there on any given morning trying to get it unlocked from 5-30 minutes. The 30 minute day I just started hitting peoples buzzers until someone buzzed me in – I had no feeling of guilt that it was 8:30am.

I WILL WIN. I WILL BEAT THIS DAMN DOOR!! (you may find a bunch of glass shattered in front of our apartment on 54th street) BUT I WILL WIN!!!

(the way I having been winning lately is just propping it open while I walk Addy… but sometimes people close it while we are out on our wild adventure for her to sniff, pee, and poop and then I curse those people too – probably the people staying in the illegal Hostel run out of the first floor of our building – assholes)


Faith in my Nether Regions

A girlfriend I grew up with Iowa recently became an Esthetician. She is an amazing woman that I have known since we were like 12. The past 11 years or so she has been a fabulous stay at home mom to her 3 beautiful children.

We have one of those relationships… just where you can tell each other everything. There are ABSOLUTELY NO BOUNDARIES.

Our latest hot topic has been waxing. I was bitching to her a few weeks ago that “my lady”, whom I have been going to for well over 5 years, was out sick and I was going to have to cheat on her to get my Birthday Brazilian. I mean seriosuly – how many other woman do you really wanting rooting around in your nether regions ripping out hair??? I have only cheated on Jasmine twice before this – once when I was in Miami for 2 months for work and the other time when Jasmine was out of the country for like 2 months.

My friend was telling me that she would do it for me (except for the fact that she lives approximately 1,152 miles away from me) and my response was “I love you.. but under no circumstances do I want you playing around in my hooha. I will stick with Jasmine and cheat on her with Shobha’s recommended replacement.”

My friend has recently decided to do something with her esthetician degree. So she is working a couple days a week.

Monday I receive a text from her:

KMR: “So I need a Brazilian model for work next week wanna fly home and have your vag waxed :-)”

Me: “Def not enuf hair down their right now for that! But.. picture it.. Hi my name is Karin. I will be your vag model for the day.”

KMR: “Hi my name is KMR and I’ll be waxing your Kitty today”

KMR: “It would only cost me no less than $400 to get there to be your ‘vag model'”

KMR: “But its a $110 treatment for free plus some microderm, so its a bargain!”

Me: “Not bargain enough to fly to Iowa and have you playing around in my Hooha!! Love you!”

So I wake this am to a Facebook post from her…
KMR: Remember my text last week….next time I’ll pay the $400 for your flight home! I’ll spare you the details. 🙂

Me: I am glad you have that much faith in my HooHa

KMR: so I waxed one of my co workers and her roomie Wed. Ya lets just say the roomie may have had the hairest scariest bush I’ve EVER seen. And I’ve seen alot of bush in this business….sick. But nasty nasty bush. I had to use electric trimmers to cut it down to wax. Thank God it was clean and not smelly:) She is 22 and has never shaved or anything. It was a fur bikini.

Me: Omg. I cant imagine. How does she wear bathing suits??

KMR: I said the same thing she was like ” I do I was at the pool last week”. WTF

Me: It had to be a life exchanging experience for her!

KMR: She was like ” I bet my boyfriend likes it”

Me: I am still on the bathing suit.. how the hell in a bathing suit….

KMR: I know!!! Unless she wears boyshorts….

Listen Ladies.. keep it clean.. you don’t need to wax. you don’t need to get brazilians. you CAN HAVE BUSH. Its ok.. Just keep it clean. NICE CLEAN LINES – especially in your bathing suits. Your girlfriends will snicker and the men will be disgusted.

But I am glad I have such a great friend that has great faith in my nether regions…. I feel proud. Proud to have a Pretty Kitty.